Speech

What's the worst that could happen? Give a speech in front of hundreds of people.

CHOKE ~~

Last week I was asked to give a short speech about my success as a writer to a large group of students at their graduation.

I honestly didn't give a fuck about the speech or the kids but I decided to do it anyways.

The days leading up to the big day were unlike anything that I've ever experienced. I wrote rough draft after rough draft on what I wanted to say but it was not progressing as meaningful as they wanted it to be.

The night before the speech, I went out jogging around my block. It was around 1am and I was just bat shit-out of my mind crazy about this speech. I needed fresh air, I couldn't focus.

I got to the Perkins St. intersection when a car came racing down the street. The headlights flickered and the horn bellowing. I looked up and before I could react I was pelted with dogshit in a bag. Dogshit. Who the fuck does that?

I went back to my house to fall asleep.
I woke up late. The speech was in 30 minutes and the building that I was supposed to give the speech in was 20 minutes away. I scrambled for some sort of clothing - I couldn't believe I overslept. I didn't have enough time to get my suit so I just grabbed a shirt and pants. Gelled my hair and I was out the door.

"Through Struggle" was roaring out my speakers as I broke the law by 30MPH down the Highway. I noticed that my car was starting to smell. I took the shirt with the dog shit on it.

I had a shirt in the trunk that was given to me as a novelty gift. The shirt was in large capital bold smooth helvetica and it read "Fuck you, you fucking fuck." It was time to make a decision. Clearly visible shitstain or an offensive t-shirt.

I decided to go with the offensive t-shirt. I could tie in freedom of speech and expression. I threw on the shirt on and ran to the rear entrance; I still had five minutes to spare before the ceremony started.

I was confronted immediately by the principal and there was apparently a problem. The cold bitch made me turn my shirt inside out. Whatever. Then she made a big deal about how I didn't look professional. But it wasn't just that now was it? My hair was uncombed, my breath smelled, I had bad odor, my pants were ripped.

Fuck her.

I got up to the podium and after the clapping ceased, I said the following: Good evening faculty, students and alumnus. My name is Greg. Only through struggle have I found rest. With a piece of me taken away, I begin to understand. Hollow out this machine they call life and with it's gears turn to assemble thoughts that make you feel happy. Remove from you, the deception called love. With those gears, turn to assemble thoughts that fade away. Only through struggle, will you find rest. Thank you.

The audience clapped not knowing that the speech was a complete ripoff from the lyrics of As I Lay Dying. I laughed inside but held my composure as if I had just given a metaphorical inspirational speech. The principal re approached me and shook my hand assuring me that I had done well. I expressed my gratitude and promptly left the building.

I turned on the car, peeling out of the parking lot with the music of my iPod on full blast and as I was leaving, I made sure to throw my shit covered shirt onto her car.

A short story

I was preparing to leave my room today to take a walk to the convenience store when I spotted a silver ring on my desk. I remember when I acquired the ring but I had never worn it because I am not a ring kinda guy. I was nervous to put it on but I felt sassy today.

I put it on and started to walk down the street and within 5 minutes some guy comes up to me and says "Nice ring faggot." I look up at him and say "Hey man, I don't usually wear rings." to which he replied "But you did today man, you did today."